I’ve never formally ‘come out’ because coming out is so 2002, however, by most standards I am bisexual. If I’m really honest I’d prefer to be uncategorised, but that’s for another time. I’m still young, but so far, all of my dating and hoeing has been exclusive to men… that was up until last year. 2017 was the first year I ventured into dating women.
What’s the first step you take in opening up yourself to dating the same sex? Well, it’s changing your tinder settings to ‘Men and Women’ of course! This was the start of my new journey and one thing I noticed straight away was the increase in black people that I saw on the app. When I had my settings set to men, it was painfully obvious that black men either do not live anywhere near me or they just don’t use Tinder. However, when I made the switch, much to my surprise as I was swiping, I continuously came across beautiful black women from all four corners of London. Almost instantly I felt all the more comfortable.
The next test was swiping right and actually getting a match. With men, I could pretty much predict who I would match with, but again to my surprise with the ladies, I had a tiny ball of doubt growing in my belly and actually became nervous. I’m not sure if the nerves grew because the women were so beautiful or because I didn’t have a clue about what I was doing. I did the stereotypical thing and started to doubt my picture choices. Were they showing too much boob? Did the Snapchat filter make my head look bigger? Was my fupa that obvious?!
The more I used the app, the more matches I got. At this point, my same-sex dating venture had been limited to the digital world only, so Tinder was all I could rely on. I noticed a lot of similarities between men and women, for starters, women can be as fickle as men. On occasion, I would match with someone who thought it was okay to one word reply me every three days. I also noticed some differences too, conversations with women tended to flow better and I got the impression that they were more interested in actually getting to know me, compared to my first interactions with men.
The inevitable happened a few weeks after changing my settings, it was time for my first date! She was black, beautiful, had sex appeal and was almost as funny as me. We decided to keep it cute and have bottomless brunch somewhere in West London. While I was on the train I was shitting it. I was a rookie in the game of dating women and I disliked being such a newbie to it all. With men, I could talk to them, date them and have sex with them all with my eyes closed. I was socialised to learn and master the ‘game’ of dating men. I was made for it and could do it pretty well. I had the social cues down to a T and knew when to play my gendered role. But with women, what were the social cues? Who paid on the date? Who walked who home? I was getting so lost in my mind and almost missed my stop.
So how did it go, you ask? It went really well. We drank, shared makeup tips, drank some more and had a chat about our previous Tinder woes. We were in the restaurant for a few hours then went on a cheeky Sunday bar hop in Soho. Though nothing romantic came as a result of that date, we are still pretty tight and I’m glad she was my first. I realised everything I was worried about previously, didn’t matter and I should enjoy the moment and enjoy the beautiful woman sitting across from me. All the superficial shit was irrelevant and being a rookie in the game isn’t all that bad.
After you get your first date out of the way, what could possibly be next? Well, you jump back in and diversify your hoetation of course! Towards the end of 2017, I started hanging out with more queer women and attending more queer events. I have never felt more comfortable than I do in these queer spaces. Though it sounds cliche, I just felt right at home. I love how colourful, how carefree, how beautifully black these spaces can be. As of right now, I’m enjoying the ride and I’m enjoying meeting new queer people, even if the relationship stays platonic. I look forward to spending time with and finding a man or a woman who accepts me for me. Until then, I’m going to continue spinning on my hoetation and see where I end up.