Condoms: A Series Of Unfortunate Events

Share Share Share

While condoms have been the nation’s saviour from many daunting diseases, irritable infections and… well, kids (no thank you), our latex lovelies rarely receive good press. I wish I could say I was here to change that, but I’m not.

No matter how important they are for our sexual health, condoms are fiddly, slimy and tiny packets of hell. After all, if you can’t learn to laugh at the awkward times, you are not going to be prepared for when it happens to you… and it will happen to you.

So, I’d like to start things off by introducing you to one of my own exploits and if I may, cast you back to Leeds Festival 2014. At the tender age of seventeen at your first music festival, there are only three things you’re really looking for: sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll! Or in my case sex, drugs and Macklemore. By the second day, I’d decided it was time to find a conquest. After approximately 2 and a half hours of flailing around at one of the stages, I had found him. Blonde curly hair, a crooked smile and horrible teeth. I persevered by gracing him with a wink and a bit of dribble – it was all the flailing; I swear – and somehow, he joined me back at my camp.

The time had come, I’d put an awful lot of work in at this point and it was time for seventeen-year-old Emma to do what she had travelled two hours up the M1 to do. I began to slowly, some would even say sensually, unzip my bum bag. I dug around through the lipstick, the cigarettes and finally found… A CONDOM!

“Right…” I attempted to say, but things were getting pretty hot in my tiny one-man tent and the sweat was beginning to make my eye makeup run, “Shall we…?” I tried to slide the condom on but as proven, there was not enough lube and sweat in the world  to get that bad boy on. Desperate and naked, I popped my head out of my tent, to find my friend Theo stood there, swaying and staring into the distance. “Mate… I need a bigger condom”, I shouted. After 20 minutes of waiting for Theo to hunt one down for us, the boy with the unfortunate teeth must have become bored, because he pulled his pants on and walked out. Didn’t even thank me for the incredible head? Arse.

Lesson learned: one size apparently does not fit all.

In an effort to feel better about these events, I took to social media to find out if this sort of thing is normal and it turns out, it is. I’m not alone!

Steph ‘s story goes a little something like this:

So you’ve organised a lovely night in with your partner. Everything is perfect, the music, the candles, the way his pocket glows a little in the darkness. You ignore it, trying to concentrate on your big night. Your partner starts to kiss you slowly as you sink into the sofa. “This is going to be the best sex of my life.” You’re probably definitely thinking. He unbuttons his trousers and begins to grind on you a little. As he grinds, he’s subtly blurring the lines between confident and arrogant. You smile but it’s pained because the idiot hasn’t pulled his trousers down yet and the denim is beginning to chafe. Unfortunately by this point, any chance of escape has vanished. Frankly, he’s already killed the mood with his dry humping but what really takes the biscuit, is when he pulls out a glow in the dark condom. Never a good idea.

After the incident, you conclude that only 16-year-old’s wear glow in the dark condoms, walk out that instant and label him with the loveable name of ‘Luke Skywalker’. Cue the sound effects.

Then there’s Clare’s um.. brief encounter. On her third try ‘doing the deed’, Clare and her sexual partner bought a fresh pack of rubbers special for the occasion. So, there are six condoms in a packet right? Well it only took Clare and this fella six tries to realise that condoms were not for them. Each and every one broke on attempt to have sex, which of course sent her running to clinic to the pill. Lesson learned? Trial bananas first.

Though this final story has nothing to do with sex, it is proof that condoms can embarrass you no matter what you’re doing.  Picture this: It’s Joe’s first ever boy’s night in, it would be rude not to blow up condoms and pretend as if they’re balloons. After about 10 minutes of fun, which quickly turned into a night filled with latex and lube covered party decorations, Joe decides to clear them all away and say goodnight to his now latex and lube covered friends. But did he manage to clear them all away?

The following morning while eating breakfast with his family, the cat saunters passed him in its usual nonchalant manner. But it’s Mum that spots something odd. She notices a condom on the cat’s leg. Because of the incident, 1) Joe had a lot of explaining to do and 2) for some weird reason, wasn’t allowed a boys night in for another five years.

Now, if someone you know has been struggling with a condom related story and would like to seek help, then please DM me on Twitter because I find it hilarious.

Follow Emma on Twitter @EmmaLxwther

(Artwork via @thepoopculture)